The Horror Camp Output of 1980s Girl Band Toto Coelo (1982-83)

“What?” you may be asking. (Also: “Who?” and “Why?”) But buckle up, blood buddies: we’re headed to the intersection of terror and tacky music, courtesy of a campy, self-aware British girl group from the early 1980s. First things first, Toto Coelo was renamed “Total Coelo” in the U.S. (lest we Yanks confuse them with the band Toto, who also deserve some major horror-inspired music video cred for this creepy power jam starring a young Brad “Chucky” Dourif as… Hobo Alien Jesus?). 

So Toto or Total Coelo, however you know them—NARRATOR: No one knew them—aimed their colorfully trashy aesthetic squarely at the pop charts, but by leaning in, hard, to horror. (Must’ve been something or other in the 1982-83 air?) I mean, their chart debut and biggest only hit is perhaps the world’s catchiest ode to long pig, “I Eat Cannibals.” Over Bow Wow Wow-worthy drums soaked in eerie electrogloss, the ladies sing mechanically chant over and over about how swell it is to be carnal carnivores. 

If you shake the glitter from your eyes and ears—and move past the incredibly problematic cultural stereotypes that underpin the lyrics and concept—“I Eat Cannibals” and its day-glo video wouldn’t seem out of place in a horror movie a la The Stuff. What a simultaneously wonderfully and frighteningly twisted concept: glamorous pop stars glamorously brainwashing fans to give up their free will and glamorously devour their fellow humans. (Wash it down with an “Espresso,” hun!)

The smash moderate success of their debut single around the globe (number 2 in Sweden ain’t bad, baby!) inspired the gals to double down with their next release and make it even more overtly spooky: “Dracula’s Tango (Sucker for Your Love).” Working the shit out of a haunted castle set—or at least one room of it repeatedly redressed—the TC queens deliver their best scream queen auditions in the vamp-tastic music video. (Let’s just say that Linnea Quigley lost no sleep.)

Chirping vampire puns, swinging ornate candelabras and staring directly into the camera for kooky character closeups, the gals summon forth Count Dracula, who slowly approaches in silhouette, and then apparently fang him times five. Shockingly, this cobwebbed tour-de-force did not achieve the global chart success of its predecessor (number 8 in Sweden is sad, baby!), and that was the end of their upward momentum.

But dedicated as these proto Spice Girls were to contributing to the horror genre in their own neon-new wave-nightmare-scape way, Toto Coelo wasn’t finished yet. They appeared in concert footage for the bear-scare sequel Grizzly II: Revenge, which was filmed in 1983 but not actually released until 2021. Alas, they did not get to battle the bear, play with it or even scream at the sight of it in five-part harmony. But it was a fitting cap on a career that may have had the staying power of cheap plastic Halloween décor—but also has its tawdry charm. 3 out of 5 sacs of blood.

—Jonathan Riggs