Halloween (1978) and Halloween II (1981)

Michael Myers is a door mage. I have only seen the first five and the last three Halloweens, so maybe in one of the other films we find out more about how Michael Myers spent his time in the sanitarium, besides freezing out Loomis, staring at the wall, and waiting. My uninformed theory is that he thought a lot about doors. How to block them. How to lock and unlock them with his mind. How to walk, punch or stab through them. How to leave a door ajar. How to hide in open doorways and sneak behind open doors: Surprise, it’s Michael Myers! A more committed slash boring version of this Friday Feature involves a detailed description of every time Michael Myers does door magic. Michael Myers is a door witch. We had a double feature in the Myers†/Johnson 2-Seatre Theatre South, and when you watch those two films in a row, what really stands out is Michael Myers’ knack for doors. And eye injuries. Michael Myers is a door monster with indestructible but also sad, hurt eyes. 10 out of 10 sacs of blood.

†No relation to Michael Myers, unless I missed a big reveal in Halloween Ends because I was permanently grossed out by the weird orgasmic shiver Michael Myers does in his sewer lair during the worst threesome ever. Btw I knew Corey (rhymes with Laurie) Cunningham was trouble when he did door magic on that kid in the opening sequence.

—J †Johnson