Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984)

Like one of its wasted Santas, this film wanders drunkenly out of a damaged timeline and dies horribly, repeatedly, while you root for it all the way. As you watch this xmas turkey from 1984 you wonder if they’re going to be able to finish it, or if it’s just gonna sort of wander off again, back to whatever stale watering hole it stumbled out of. When Santas aren’t staggering to their doom, inept Scotland Yard detectives dick around with the killer and have lifeless social intercourse while the actors try to figure out if they can slip away and escape this dead end to their careers. Whole subplots are there to kill time between Santa slayings, so if you’re taking shots every time St. Nick eats shit, you can hazard a quick nap without missing anything that might help you figure out what the fuck is going on here. Highly recommended. 2.5 out of 5 sacs of blood.

—J †Johnson